Summer fashion fails at their very finest.
1. Pasty skin
Although not, strictly speaking, an item of clothing, premature heat waves are guaranteed to get the turkey legs out. Six months of 10 deniers and intermitted moisturising (because who’s going to see them anyway) does *nothing* for a girls thighs, I don’t mind telling you.
2. Fake tan
For those slightly more aware of their translucency, fake tan seems to be the ’70 degrees for three days only’ solution.
Meaning only one thing – legs so orange they make the Tango man look like Kate Winslet in Sense And Sensibility.
3. Micro denim shorts
And all, of course, squeezed into a pair of barely there micro denim shorts. Hot pants if you will, the tighter the better.
And since the 70s high-waisted trend is back – not only does your arse look like an error in a chipolata factory production line but you also look six months’ pregnant.
And, please God, don’t sit down – some things can never be unseen.
Uglier than Uggs and more offensive than Crocs – *nobody* looks good in flatforms.
5. Knee high gladiator sandals
You think you look like Gisele in Santorini – we think you look like a side of beef strung up ready for basting.
6. Diamanté sandals
I like a bit of bling as much as the next girl but, please try to remember, you are a girl in your twenties walking through Oxford Circus on your way to work – not Joan Collins sipping a Campari in Marbella. Time and a place, my friend, time and a place.
7. French logo T-shirts
Je suis jolie! Been there done that – yep, and got the T-shirt.
8. Fringed bikinis
You had a boob job last summer and now you’re a 30FF? Oh, I’d have never have guessed.
9. Stacked friendship bracelets/temporary body art
You think you look like you’ve just got back from Coachella and are new BBFs with Rhianna, we know you’ve just been to Accessorizes on Tottenham Court Road.
And that’s before we’ve got 4-month-old festival access passes to contend with.
10. Panama hats and aviators
Newsflash: It’s 19 degrees and you’re in a pub garden in Walthamstow.
Think about it.
11. Babydoll dresses
Most commonly found on the high street and worn by size 6 teenage girls.
Leave the house in a high street ‘summer dress’ at your peril – unless Japanese harajuku girls are your style inspiration.
12. Anything that says Ibiza on it
People who go to Ibiza don’t wear T-shirts saying Ibiza on them.
Only people who want to go to Ibiza and have never been wear T-shirts saying Ibiza on them.
13. Ramones, Rolling stones, Nirvana T-shirts
So retro. So obvious you couldn’t name one of their songs.
14. Fresh-faced make-up
Love, we’re in May, stick with the slap, you’ve got a while to go yet.